I became Muslim almost three years
ago, right after Ramadan in between the two Eids.
My spiritual search
lasted over thirty years. I was born a Catholic and found many things I did not
agree with: I believe in Jesus, but did not believe that he was the son of God,
nor that he was God. I concluded on my own that he was a rabbi, since he was a
learned Jew and a teacher. Because of this I went and studied under rabbis and
learnt the Tanakh, the Torah and some of the laws of Judaism. I learnt the
Kosher laws and the proper way of cooking, and the rules of being a woman. It
became natural that men and women prayed separated as the women were together.
Though Judaism was not the answer for me, I gained an understanding of its
religious and spiritual ways.
I then looked into women spirituality but
found that it was lacking something, it was not always monotheistic in practice
because they believe in a Goddess, and disclaimed many teachings by re-inventing
a new way of life. I had a great deal of problems with God being a woman since I
did not believe He was a man either. I liked the Judaic way that God was unseen
and unknown. Because of this I could not understand their teachings but I did
agree in the equality of men and of women. Because of this I respect their
search but their methods did not appeal to me.
In 1990, I learnt about
native spirituality. Though they believe in the Creator and the oneness of the
world I could not become native - I had to find my own spirituality. I was
shocked when my country Canada went to war against Mohawks in 1990. I fought
side by side with them for about five years. I was working but at that time I
was offered a choice, I saw two paths in front of me: one the path of God, the
other the path of man. I made a conscious commitment towards God, that I would
serve Him and use my talents to propagate His word and His message, that is, one
of Peace and of Justice through his laws.
I chose the path of God
instead of that of "man" - in this case human. When the crisis was finished
after five years, God guided me back to my spiritual roots.
Most of my
life I had friends that came from North Africa and the Middle East. They were
Jewish, Christian and Muslim, but whether they observed their religion or did
not, it mattered little to me, as I did not believe in organized religion. I
have strongly believed all my life that I should talk directly to God and ask
what I needed and thank Him for what He gave me. I also strongly believe in the
equality of men and women, and the equality of all races in front of God and of
people. Christianity taught me about Jesus, whom I believed in. Judaism showed
me I could talk to God directly, that men and women should worship separately,
and that God had dietary laws. Mohawks showed me that men and women were equal
though they had different obligations. Where could I find all of this. No
religion, no teachings could offer me all of this, but God was there to guide
When I was twenty five years old, I met and fell in love with a
young man. He was Iraqi by birth, Jewish by religion, and lived in Israel for
many years. He came to Canada in the 1970's, and we met and fell in love. Then
there was a war in between Israel and Lebanon. We were to get married and he
decided to go back and fight in the army. Sadly, he was killed. For many years I
kept the hurt bottled up inside of me. But Allah protected my heart and gave me
a great gift. I met a Lebanese girl, she was Shia Muslim. She was not very
religious but she was proud to be Muslim. We talked and I told her what
happened, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me she lost her
brother during that same war. To this day we do not know if her brother killed
my boyfriend or vice versa, maybe they did not kill one another that too is a
possibility. What came out of this, after the tears and the hurt is that we
became very good friends, and she helped me heal my aching heart. I also saw the
horrors of war and it's evilness, how people get hurt.
In 1995 there was
a controversy in Montreal about women wearing Hijab, so I decided to document
this myself, and look for interviews since I had a spot on the radio for about 4
years, doing Native, North African and Middle Eastern news. I met through a
friend this very kind woman, she is Iraqi - Allah does work in unusual ways -
who spoke about the importance of wearing Hijab and what it meant to her. What
struck me with her was her deep commitment towards God whom she called Allah. I
was impressed by her truthfulness and her kindness of heart.
explained to me what was Islam. She told me that "There is no other GOD but
GOD". Men and women were equal, that all races were equal in front of GOD, that
Jesus was a Prophet not a rabbi, that Maryam his mother was a great example, and
that the dietary laws were less strict than in Judaism. To my astonishment this
is what I believe in. I started being friends with her and within one month I
became Muslim like her. I recited my Shahada with her.
This was three
years ago. I now wear Hijab and I am very happy. I have gone back to University
and am studying religions. My field is Islam, and I would like to go as far as
my doctorate and become proficient in law for women, and Hadith. I am presently
writing a book about women and Islam in the 7th century in English. I now have a
radio show which I co-produce with my friend through whom I became Muslim. It
lasts half an hour. We talk to women from around the world and from various
religious denominations. I try with the help of teachers and religious leaders
to de-mystify Islam and the message of Islam. I am also trying to document in
film the life of Muslim women and their role in society.
Allah guided me
and gave me what I was looking for through Islam. Because of this I try to use
my pen and the airwaves to give a broad picture of all the facets of Islam and
see the unity in the diversity that is Islam.
My Muslim name is
Um-Khalthum, like the daughter of Prophet Muhammad. She has inspired me to be a
good Muslim as she too was a convert or revert to Islam.
This is my
story. My first love was for an Iraqi Jewish young man, who died stupidly in a
war, my heart was broken. I was left in pieces in Lebanon, yet a Lebanese Muslim
woman started the mending process. But my heart was healed by another Iraqi,
this time a Muslim woman, because she introduced me to Islam and invited to
become Muslim. From the pain of loss the joy of finding a way of life that
brings me closer to Allah.
May Allah guide all of those who have a
broken heart. And remember that the message of Islam is that of peace and of
harmony. Before we heal we must talk about the hurt, and Allah does heal our
hearts by putting people in our path that are there to guide us to HIM.